Chandler Day 92: Everything’s Okay (But Not Really)

fist photoRemember how I said everyone is an asshole. Well that applies to life too. Life itself is an asshole. It always seems like there’s something. There’s always something dragging you down. As soon as something good happens, something bad happens. Life kicks you in the balls, laughs in your face and then keeps kicking. Sorry if it sounds pessimistic, but it’s the truth. Life just piles and piles up on top of you, slowly crushing until you can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t do anything. ┬áLife, work, school, tests, grades, assignments, relationships. You get depressed, paralysed. Bad thoughts creep in. Thoughts of ending things. You don’t care if you’re alive or not. Everything seems insignificant. You just want to sleep and not wake up. You want to pass out just so things will stop for awhile. I and many others have felt this and thought these things. And it pisses me off. I guess I know I’m a little better because I’m angry. I feel something at least. I’m furious that life is this way. That life does this to people. That life tears you apart and then expects you to keep going like nothing happened. It’s not right. I’m furious and I want to punch life in the face. I want to fight back, but really what can I do? Nothing. So we stand up, brush the dirt off, and keep going, pretending that everything is okay and that we can do this.

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Chandler Day 65: Lines vs. Stress

DSC01899A pencil, a ruler, and 896 1/4th inch squares = calm. When I was learning to cope with my anxiety and panic attacks, one of the ways they told me to get out of them was to do a repetitive task. Something mindless task that I had to focus on. Something to get my mind off what I was panicking about. And it works. I don’t know why, but it calms me down. I don’t hardly ever have panic attacks now, but doing this still calms me down. Stress, fatigue and anger just piled up tonight, and I had to get out of it. A long week, too many tests, a new job and being pissed off are not a good combination. And I know I have a temper. I know my weaknesses. So I sat down, and 896 1/4th inch squares later, I was calm.