Infatuation is described as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone. Love? Love on the other hand is limitless. Unfortunately we cannot control how or when either happen. In my heart, I believe you know love. You feel love. You believe in that person, you trust in every part of them, regardless of the degree to which you love them. You want the best for them. You hurt when they do. You laugh when they do. You become emotionally involved. Most of that emotion & feeling is missing within the fury and excitement of infatuation. Love is a beautifully heart breaking part of life. When you fall it’s an amazing feeling, when your heart is broken its a shitty moment. Remember that. Remember how you felt during your highest of highs. Never forget how you truly believed the world was ending the first time your heart broke.
Tonight I was a little overconfident in myself. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a proper anxiety attack. But tonight I had one, in one of my trigger locations. I thought I would be fine, since it had been so long. I was wrong. I had an anxiety attack with all the sucky symptoms. It was frustrating, but it passed and I took some medicine to help. I wouldn’t call it a step back, just a reminder that it’s still there. I don’t think it will ever really go away. I just get better at knowing myself and how to take care of myself.
Summer storms. Where it can be shining sun, torrential downpour, sun again, melting heat and when the rain hits the pavement its instant steam.
Its such a sweet smell. Rain on hot country roads. Wet soil. The smell of corn growing in the fields. The way the winds blow and bring those scents to you.
Sometimes I wish photography was scratch and sniff. So you could really feel the photo. This grabbed my attention. The reflection of the sun setting in the distance. The reflection of corn from the drowning field. It stopped me. A scene so beautiful, with so many smells and emotions, just washed up waiting for someone to carelessly drive through. Disrupting the beauty.
Finally able to take a shot. After a long few days with lots of stress, talking, anxiety, big decisions looming and a general feeling of wanting to throw up, I was able to sit and take a shot. It had been too long. I was just sitting, thinking and I saw this. It’s weird how sometimes a shot will present itself. It just pops up and you have to stop everything and capture it. Put everything on hold and capture that image, or else it will drive you nuts. Or sometimes it’s a place you see or an idea of an image that comes to mind and you just have to get the shot. You have to get it out of your head. You’ll go to great lengths to set the picture up or get to the place (like ignoring trespassing signs or going to dangerous places). And this was one of them. I had been sitting there for probably half and hour and then I just stopped and really looked for some reason and I captured this. It’s nothing spectacular or special or that good, but it was a photo that I needed to take.
A pencil, a ruler, and 896 1/4th inch squares = calm. When I was learning to cope with my anxiety and panic attacks, one of the ways they told me to get out of them was to do a repetitive task. Something mindless task that I had to focus on. Something to get my mind off what I was panicking about. And it works. I don’t know why, but it calms me down. I don’t hardly ever have panic attacks now, but doing this still calms me down. Stress, fatigue and anger just piled up tonight, and I had to get out of it. A long week, too many tests, a new job and being pissed off are not a good combination. And I know I have a temper. I know my weaknesses. So I sat down, and 896 1/4th inch squares later, I was calm.
Finally time to relax. After a long, stressful day full of tests, essays, and worries about classes, work, money and the future, I get to settle down and relax with a good book, a cup of tea in my favorite mug and a today’s post to write. I don’t handle stress well and when things to start to build up, even a little bit, I tend to let things get out of control. One or two stressful things turns into me worrying about countless things, doubting my decisions, having anxiety attacks, and me basically reevaluating my life. It’s ridiculous, I know. But after talking to my parents, getting some good news, and finishing my homework, I settled down. And now I get to relax. And I need to learn to control my stress, which is much easier said than done.
It’s an awful feeling. You feel like the walls are closing in, your heart pounds, you can’t breathe, your begin to panic. Lately I’ve felt like this. It comes from a lot of different issues and and feelings that I won’t go into. Last night was awful. The feeling was so bad I had a panic attack and I nearly threw up. I almost had a repeat today, but I refused to let it happen. So I got in my car and headed somewhere wide open. I drove and drove and cleared my head. And I found this train track, which always cheers me up. It helped. The endless, empty fields and the wind and the open sky relieved what I have been feeling. Shot at a train track in rural Boone county, way out in the wide open.