Timing. Everything in life is about timing. It can make or break a situation, relationship, ruin a good thing or make a good thing horrible. Tonight I believe some things in my life have come full circle. I’ve realized things I’ve suppressed for four years, cried & tried holding on to a piece of my past that wanted to run faster than a wild horse. Part of healing is letting go I suppose. Its hard to let go when you don’t have closure. I don’t know if tonight was closure or complicated things more than they had been.
Love isn’t black & white.
Not sure why, but when things get hard, really really hard, I go here. The cemetery. Jordan was buried here 8 years ago. I wouldn’t say I ‘feel’ him here so I’m not sure why this is where I run. Its peaceful, quiet & soothing. After he first passed I would spend almost every night out here. A few times I feel asleep, crying for him. Willing to give anything to have him back. Today was a very hard day. Flooded with emotions & tears. Mostly because I miss him & his loyalty. His friendship & his love. His security. Feeling broken, leaving my heart buried.
I find it more common than not that we share what we are often afraid to disclose about our self, with those close to us.
We don’t disclose our darkest of demons because we live in fear of judgement, betrayal, loss of respect, even if those demons are ones we didn’t create. Being trapped in your own personal hell of thoughts & emotions will slowly kill what makes youyou.
Listening to someone share their thoughts, someone I thought I knew. Seeing someone I care about be so vulnerable. Hurt so badly. Crying with them, not because of their tears but because I could feel the pain in their heart. Their mind. It was just as real to me as it was to them. I wonder how things would be different between us had we gone ‘demon hunting’ together.
I don’t know that I’ve ever hurt for someone the way I hurt for you. Seeing your pain. This changes nothing, other than making sense of some things. I also happen to love fishing especially with a Snoopy fishing pole!!
I’ll never be able to give you those 10 seconds or more that you often dream of but I can promise you I can give you love & trust. Fear is only felt until you realize the love and trust are real.
Thank you for loving me enough to trust me.
As soon as work was over, I got in my car and drove to Danville. It was a shitty day at work and I knew she was the only one that would make me feel better. I was stressed and tired and I had to see her. And she made me feel better. She made me cheered me up and made me happy. She’s always able to do that. Even when I was at my worst, she could still cheer me up. She makes me unbelievably happy and she makes me want to do my best to make her feel the same.