“Well, I know that I’ve messed up more than a time or two. I’ve lied like hell, I’ve done it well and I’ve got the scars to prove.”
Today was pretty intense mentally & emotionally for me. I was able to have a long overdue conversation with a dear friend. A conversation that made sense in so many ways and filled in some gaps.
I’ve struggled with faith for some time now. I was born Lutheran and then confirmed Catholic. My parents raised me to attend church every Sunday and even attend Bible school. I never got much out of it. Was it because I was forced to attend? I wasn’t ready to attend? I didn’t understand the capacity of it? Now as an adult I’ve watched religion tear my family apart and be responsible for an unaccounted number of deaths throughout the world. Such a fine subject to dance around. Speaking with another friend, TJ, about this brought tears to my eyes. I’m not going to state my beliefs, or which is right or wrong. I doubt this is what Jesus had in mind though. I’m thankful for moments like these, as hard as they are.
Not sure why, but when things get hard, really really hard, I go here. The cemetery. Jordan was buried here 8 years ago. I wouldn’t say I ‘feel’ him here so I’m not sure why this is where I run. Its peaceful, quiet & soothing. After he first passed I would spend almost every night out here. A few times I feel asleep, crying for him. Willing to give anything to have him back. Today was a very hard day. Flooded with emotions & tears. Mostly because I miss him & his loyalty. His friendship & his love. His security. Feeling broken, leaving my heart buried.
‘Go find a new rose, don’t be afraid of thorns, cause we all have thorns.’
Roses. I’ve never been a fan. I’m not sure why. Maybe the lack of uniqueness they have, or the popularity they live in. Any rate, they have a beautiful vibrant floral look. Classy & strong. The thorns, they are hidden. Hidden beneath the beauty and strength in a world where they are already considered beautifully perfect. We use roses to symbolize love and beauty. Its all too obvious why.
I find it more common than not that we share what we are often afraid to disclose about our self, with those close to us.
We don’t disclose our darkest of demons because we live in fear of judgement, betrayal, loss of respect, even if those demons are ones we didn’t create. Being trapped in your own personal hell of thoughts & emotions will slowly kill what makes youyou.
Listening to someone share their thoughts, someone I thought I knew. Seeing someone I care about be so vulnerable. Hurt so badly. Crying with them, not because of their tears but because I could feel the pain in their heart. Their mind. It was just as real to me as it was to them. I wonder how things would be different between us had we gone ‘demon hunting’ together.
I don’t know that I’ve ever hurt for someone the way I hurt for you. Seeing your pain. This changes nothing, other than making sense of some things. I also happen to love fishing especially with a Snoopy fishing pole!!
I’ll never be able to give you those 10 seconds or more that you often dream of but I can promise you I can give you love & trust. Fear is only felt until you realize the love and trust are real.
Thank you for loving me enough to trust me.
This man. John Olvey. (Boston’s Papo) Where do I even begin. John has seen me at my highest of highs and lowest of lows. Hugged me while laughing and wiped my tears as they fell. He’s the definition of loyalty, honesty, love & faithfulness. If your blessed enough to be part of his family he would move mountains for you. If you’re not ‘in’, you better never hurt someone he loves. As one of my main support beams in an uneasy foundation, John has helped me through so much.
To say I owe him would be an understatement. I will never be able to repay this man for all the good he’s brought to my life. Everyday I am thankful that you play such a huge role in my life. I love you Gator.
Needed some time away from ‘life’, so I took a drive. Headed north to a place I’d recently seen photos of, Michigan City, Indiana. I must admit, I’m slightly upset that I’m just now seeing this part of Indiana for … Continue reading →
Another Monday evening spent with Alex. I enjoy his company and look forward to spending time with him each week. He’s such a great friend and the stories we share and memories we make are worth the wait every week.
Alex came my way this time (we now live an hour apart) we spent our usual time out driving during sunset before Waffle House. Windows were down when we came upon the humming of power lines. Alex was in awe as it was something he had never heard before. It was so loud, just the buzzing of electricity screaming through the lines above us.
I’m thankful for friends like Alex. Where the company and conversation are more than enough and time can be enjoyed under the humming of electricity in the middle of nowhere, laughing.