‘When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want? Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be the people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn’t they matter most now?’-Max Lucado
This is where I will begin again. I made a commitment with Chandler and I got away from that. I let ‘life’ get in the way and chipped away a small part of a very important relationship. I want to finish this. Not because I have to. Not because my ‘mommy sat me down spoke firmly to me’. I need to because Chan & I were in this together. In 19 years, Chandler has stood by my side and loved me unconditionally. Chandler has watched me fall and climb back up, never once judging me, but hurting for me because he loved me. I’m sorry I have let you down Chan! I love you bud ❤
Today wasn’t easy. Maybe its the weather, I feel like I’m lost in Seattle. However the sun has set so I cannot complain. Rain through the day makes for long ones & hyper dogs.
Driving for sunset accepting I may not see much of one, this reflection caught me. Flooding the hole in the middle of the road, deceiving those that pass through, painting that which surrounds it, catching true colors.
Oddly enough I stopped, got out of my truck and stood there, ‘reflecting’ on recent days, prior to taking this photo. The beauty captured reflected so much.
Infatuation is described as an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone. Love? Love on the other hand is limitless. Unfortunately we cannot control how or when either happen. In my heart, I believe you know love. You feel love. You believe in that person, you trust in every part of them, regardless of the degree to which you love them. You want the best for them. You hurt when they do. You laugh when they do. You become emotionally involved. Most of that emotion & feeling is missing within the fury and excitement of infatuation. Love is a beautifully heart breaking part of life. When you fall it’s an amazing feeling, when your heart is broken its a shitty moment. Remember that. Remember how you felt during your highest of highs. Never forget how you truly believed the world was ending the first time your heart broke.
Today was like yesterday. Still the need to think and be removed. Recently I argued with someone about religion and it wasn’t fun at all. I know everyone is upset with me because of what I believe in. I doubt that it will ever change. But they are my beliefs. I am entitled to them. They are not hasty or born out of anger. Yes I have been angry before and I have been hurt. But my beliefs come from my reasoning and my search for truth. And yes, maybe they will change. But for now this is what they are. All I ask is respect for them. Aside from this, in the argument spirituality was discussed and I most definitely believe that I can and anyone can be spiritual without god. Today I sat in a woods next to a stream and watched leaves float by and listened to the wind and the trees. And I connected to nature on a deeper or higher level than the mere physical. It was quiet and simple. It was honest and pure and beautiful. There were things to be listened to and learned. Some may say that it is god speaking. But I say it is nature itself speaking and connecting. Reaching out. And I am spiritual no less than any Christian or Muslim or Hindu or any religious person. Maybe this whole example means nothing to you who read it. But to me, it means so much.
Tonight Brandy sent me a video about why a person hated religion and instead just focused on god. It got me thinking. I agreed with many things he said. I personally have no religion nor do I believe in any god. I suppose there is the possibility of a superior force out there but I will continue on with my life perfectly alright without it. I have seen religion do some nasty things and I have watched things around me and they do not agree with the idea that there is a personal, good god. There are big evils you could point to that would help this point, but instead I point to the guilt, shame and anxiety that religion can cause. I point to how it divides families, prevents people from moving on and being happy, how it judges people, how it discriminates, how it puts people down and the violence it causes. And I point to the fear that it instills to control. Of course the idea of religion itself does not necessarily do this. It’s the people that do, I get it. But people are affected by ideas and ideologies and these are the results. This is what happens when people act on these ideas that they were taught. Of course there is good there too. But maybe we should take a look at our beliefs, at our religions and what they cause us to do. Challenge your beliefs and really look at the world around you and see what you find. You might be surprised.
Not sure why, but when things get hard, really really hard, I go here. The cemetery. Jordan was buried here 8 years ago. I wouldn’t say I ‘feel’ him here so I’m not sure why this is where I run. Its peaceful, quiet & soothing. After he first passed I would spend almost every night out here. A few times I feel asleep, crying for him. Willing to give anything to have him back. Today was a very hard day. Flooded with emotions & tears. Mostly because I miss him & his loyalty. His friendship & his love. His security. Feeling broken, leaving my heart buried.
I’ve always been drawn to abandoned & forgotten places. I wanna know the story. What was here before, how did it become forgotten and what’s next?
A few places have given me the creeps, but most of the time it’s intriguing to look around and take photos of someone’s past.
This particular photo was taken of an old farm house off a numbered country road. The broken window with a lace wild flower growing in front, caught my attention.
*SideNote* Lilly & Oliver often go with me to shoot photos, definitely if I’m not feeling well in case something happens. As I’m knee deep in wild flowers again, in front of this old abandoned farm house, Lilly jumps in the front seat and honks the horn scaring the piss out of me.