‘When you are in the final days of your life, what will you want? Will you hug that college degree in the walnut frame? Will you ask to be carried to the garage so you can sit in your car? Will you find comfort in rereading your financial statement? Of course not. What will matter then will be the people. If relationships will matter most then, shouldn’t they matter most now?’-Max Lucado
This is where I will begin again. I made a commitment with Chandler and I got away from that. I let ‘life’ get in the way and chipped away a small part of a very important relationship. I want to finish this. Not because I have to. Not because my ‘mommy sat me down spoke firmly to me’. I need to because Chan & I were in this together. In 19 years, Chandler has stood by my side and loved me unconditionally. Chandler has watched me fall and climb back up, never once judging me, but hurting for me because he loved me. I’m sorry I have let you down Chan! I love you bud ❤
Timing. Everything in life is about timing. It can make or break a situation, relationship, ruin a good thing or make a good thing horrible. Tonight I believe some things in my life have come full circle. I’ve realized things I’ve suppressed for four years, cried & tried holding on to a piece of my past that wanted to run faster than a wild horse. Part of healing is letting go I suppose. Its hard to let go when you don’t have closure. I don’t know if tonight was closure or complicated things more than they had been.
Love isn’t black & white.
We’ve been together almost seven months now. It’s been an incredible seven months. And I at least know I have learned a lot. At the beginning we never argued or fought. Now we do occasionally. It’s normal though. We argue and we work things out. We try to be better. It may take a few times, but we try. We try to be the best that we can be for each other. Today was a day that was good and bad. Lots of arguing and bad feelings, but we worked it out. We always do.
It’s interesting how a queen size bed once seemed just right for me and now it’s too big. It now feels empty when I lay in it and the pillow next to mine is empty. When her head isn’t resting on it. It feels empty when I don’t feel her next to me. We’ll be apart a lot this summer with work and her being an hour away. It’s weird how about six months ago it was hard to share a bed with her and now it’s beginning to be odd if we aren’t in the same bed. So tonight I fall asleep with the pillow next to me empty, wishing it wasn’t.
Today was an amazing day. This morning I set up a special scavenger hunt for Hannah. I hid clues around campus and across Indianapolis. The clues took her to places where we had special memories, like where we went on our first date. The final clue led her to a place she hadn’t ever been before; Marott Park. Hidden in a tree at the park was a note telling her 100 things I loved about her. I was also hiding there at the park, though she thought I was at work. When she got there and read the note I told her I loved her. I had to do it in a special way. I had to do some grand gesture to try and show her how much I loved her. Later that day she asked me how I knew I loved her. And I told her I knew I loved her because I would do anything for her. I know because I do all these little things for her that I wouldn’t do for anyone else. I know because when she’s sick, I take care of her and still kiss her, even though I hate being around sick people. I know because I’d drive miles and miles out of my way just to see her. I know because I love all of her little quirks. I know because of incredibly happy she makes me. I just knew. I love you Hannah.