Brandy Day286: A New Kind Of Forever

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Today it arrived, 8 years 5 months & 5 days. I guess I always assumed that the headstone would make it hurt more. Finalize things. The truth of it though, it brought some much needed, long overdue peace.
I’m not sure how to explain it in words. I never questioned when his parents would have it or what would be on it. The realization of it all came on my birthday. Then I was shown the rough draft and cried. Cried because of the meaning. The existence behind something that had been missing.
Momma Lynch text me today saying it had arrived, and with the text she sent pictures. I cried. I couldn’t breathe. Not from sadness but from the overwhelming feeling of comfort. Obviously I finished what I was in the middle of doing and headed to the cemetery. It was more beautiful in person. Artistically amazing, just as he was. The two circles on the bottom corners are medals that his family was given after donating to save others. ❤ The back, among other items, holds two beautiful pieces left longer than any life or memory. The top left corner holds my exact turtle tattoo. His mom says when he left he took a part of me. The bottom right corner says 'Love, Jordan', my most favorite thing ever. It's traced so it's his handwriting. Signed almost to insinuate this is the end.
His parents and brother did an amazing job putting something together that no family should have to do for a child or younger sibling.
I love you guys to the moon & back and I'm more than certain he wouldn't change a thing on it if given the opportunity.
40,000 Americans die yearly by suicide, making it the 10th leading cause of death. Every 13.3 seconds someone takes their own life, leaving those who love them to live in a whirlwind of confusion, depression and a life without closure.

Brandy Day280: Human Sinkhole

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Today wasn’t easy. Maybe its the weather, I feel like I’m lost in Seattle. However the sun has set so I cannot complain. Rain through the day makes for long ones & hyper dogs.
Driving for sunset accepting I may not see much of one, this reflection caught me. Flooding the hole in the middle of the road, deceiving those that pass through, painting that which surrounds it, catching true colors.
Oddly enough I stopped, got out of my truck and stood there,  ‘reflecting’ on recent days, prior to taking this photo. The beauty captured reflected so much.

Brandy Day255: One More Time

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“Well, I know that I’ve messed up more than a time or two. I’ve lied like hell, I’ve done it well and I’ve got the scars to prove.”
Today was pretty intense mentally & emotionally for me. I was able to have a long overdue conversation with a dear friend. A conversation that made sense in so many ways and filled in some gaps.
I’ve struggled with faith for some time now. I was born Lutheran and then confirmed Catholic. My parents raised me to attend church every Sunday and even attend Bible school. I never got much out of it. Was it because I was forced to attend? I wasn’t ready to attend? I didn’t understand the capacity of it? Now as an adult I’ve watched religion tear my family apart and be responsible for an unaccounted number of deaths throughout the world. Such a fine subject to dance around. Speaking with another friend, TJ, about this brought tears to my eyes. I’m not going to state my beliefs, or which is right or wrong. I doubt this is what Jesus had in mind though. I’m thankful for moments like these, as hard as they are.

Brandy Day219: See Through My Reflection

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I find it captivating how we see ourselves differently than how others see us.
Personally, when I look in the mirror or see my reflection, I see me, the road I’ve been down. I see the scars, the tears, the weight I’ve carried & the mistakes I’ve made. I see the love I’ve held onto and the hurt I’ve let go of. I see the person I wanted to be. I see a fighter. I see hope & inspiration.
Its true we choose our paths. However, we are not always allowed to choose the road. Its OK, I enjoy the change in scenery!

Brandy Day214: My Boys

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Jesse, ‘Storm’, Jason & Ben. I love these boys! Most wouldn’t, but I consider myself lucky to call them mine. These boys have been friends for years through school, girlfriends, drunken nights, roommates & many Vegas trips. Ben and his wife are leaving for the UK for some time, allowing Ben to continue his schooling.
Having friends deeply rooted as these boys makes for a lifetime of memories, laughter, tears & good freakin’ times, however it makes goodbyes difficult.
We will be holdin’ it down here in The States upon your return & we wish you kids the best of luck!!

Brandy Day174: Thunderstorms & Tears

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Though I generally love storms it seems today’s has added emotion. My heart and emotions themselves have felt like a summer storm. Nothing I won’t be able to work through, but certainly nothing I want to be experiencing right now.
I was able to get this shot doing what I do best, driving & shooting.  Some pretty gnarly clouds over the tracks in Pendleton IN.

Brandy Day173: 10 Seconds of Love Trust Fear

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I find it more common than not that we share what we are often afraid to disclose about our self, with those close to us.
We don’t disclose our darkest of demons because we live in fear of judgement, betrayal, loss of respect, even if those demons are ones we didn’t create.  Being trapped in your own personal hell of thoughts & emotions will slowly kill what makes you you.
Listening to someone share their thoughts, someone I thought I knew. Seeing someone I care about be so vulnerable. Hurt so badly. Crying with them, not because of their tears but because I could feel the pain in their heart. Their mind. It was just as real to me as it was to them. I wonder how things would be different between us had we gone ‘demon hunting’ together.
I don’t know that I’ve ever hurt for someone the way I hurt for you. Seeing your pain.  This changes nothing, other than making sense of some things. I also happen to love fishing especially with a Snoopy fishing pole!!
I’ll never be able to give you those 10 seconds or more that you often dream of but I can promise you I can give you love & trust. Fear is only felt until you realize the love and trust are real.
Thank you for loving me enough to trust me.